


Birds and Bees and Walnut Trees

by CaptainSchmoe



Series: The Rural Child AU [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Child AU, Friendship, Gen, Mischief, Slingshots, Squirrels, Toddler Talk, Walnuts, at the time I post this there is one other G-rated fic tagged as squirrel sex, no I didn't bother to read it because I know jack shit about les mis, pissing off the neighbors, rural au, squirrel sex, yes I bothered to check
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 03:41:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15986861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainSchmoe/pseuds/CaptainSchmoe
Summary: Child!Mark and Child!Jack try to teach toddler!Ethan how to slingshot walnuts at the neighbors, like the good influencers that they are.They also catch some squirrels in the act, and are a tad confused.





	Birds and Bees and Walnut Trees

**Author's Note:**

> Ages: Mark is 10, Jack is 9, Ethan is 3.
> 
> Translation of Ethan's toddler babble, just in case:
> 
> Yemmee! - Let me!  
> Peas? - Please?  
> Hewp? - Help?  
>  _(scream)_ \- _(scream)_

_Inhale._

Jack pulled back.

_Hold._

Tilted his aim up.

_Exhale._

Released.

The walnut soared through the sky, over the branches, across the road, and came down upon the neighbor's metallic-roofed garage with a thundering  _pound_ that just about scared the pants off of him.

**_"Goddammit!!"_ **

Jack and Mark quickly ducked behind the wall of the treehouse, giggling and snorting. Mark poked his head back up over the bottom of the window. Jack followed suit.

"What happened?" Ethan asked, standing on his tiptoes, fingers curled over the wall.

"I got him good," Jack told him. He tugged on the back of Ethan's shirt. "Get down a bit so he doesn't see you."

The neighbor stared up at his own tree, squinting, searching for the rogue squirrel that must have knocked the walnut down onto his roof.

"Bastards," he muttered to himself.

Mark giggled even more. It was so funny hearing grown-ups swear, thinking there were no kids around to hear them.

"Sandy!" he yelled as he stormed back into the garage. "We need to get a tree surgeon or something! Them squirrels are-" The door slammed shut and choked off the sound from their ears before the sentence was finished.

"A tree surgeon?" Mark asked. "Like a doctor, but for trees?"

"That's dumb," Jack said. "Trees don't have bones."

"Yemmee! Yemmee!" Ethan was grabbing at the slingshot in Jack's hand.

Mark ran to the other side of the treehouse, reaching out the opposite window, searching the branches for a nice, firm walnut.

"Well, it doesn't have a nut in it, Ethan!" Jack held the slingshot away from him.

Ethan started crying. "Yemmee do iiiiit!"

"Here." Mark came back with a good one, shoving it towards Jack. "Let him have it."

"Peas?"

Caving in to the puppy eyes, Jack gave Ethan the slingshot, and Mark, the walnut. But as they figured, his three-year-old hands weren't quite dextrous enough to get the hang of holding the nut in the sling, merely dropping the walnut to the floor over and over again and ending up cracking the fruit open.

"Hewp?" He held out the slingshot and walnut to Mark.

Mark guided him to the window. Standing behind him, he helped wrap his tiny fingers around the walnut, and pull back the sling. "Okay, now let go!"

He let go of Ethan's hand, and Ethan let go of the nut - although he also tried to throw the nut. It plopped down on the ground only a few feet away from the treehouse, yet Ethan started clapping anyway.

"Yaaay!"

"Yay!" Mark and Jack chimed in.

Mark looked down at his hand, feeling the wetness of the cracked fruit lingering on it. Despite knowing full well what it smelled like, he felt compelled to sniff it anyway, and wrinkled his nose. Yuck.

Ethan shook the slingshot. "Again?"

As Mark went to grab another walnut, something weird in the branches caught his eye.

"Jack, look."

"What?" Jack leaned out the window, trying to see from behind Mark's fat head.

"Look at those squirrels." He pointed directly to a pair of squirrels, one on top and slightly behind the other. "See 'em?"

"Yeah. How come it's bopping the other one's butt?"

"I dunno. Maybe squirrels are just weirdos."

"Yemmee see!" Ethan barged in, pushing them apart to look.

"See that, Ethan?" Mark pointed to the squirrels again. "It's bopping its butt. Isn't that weird?"

Ethan stared. "Why they do that?"

"'Cause squirrels are weirdos," Jack answered.

_"Ma-ark!"_

The familiar singsong of Mark's mom's voice rang out from the front door, perking up all their ears.

_"Almost time to eat!"_

"Coming, Mom!" Mark made way for the ladder, followed by Jack. But as they started clambering down, they heard Ethan starting to sniff and sob above.

"Wait, how's he gonna get down?" Jack asked.

"Boys?"

Mark's mom came out to see what was going on. And the sight of Ethan up in the treehouse made her hand shoot up to cover her open mouth. "Mark! How did you get him up there?"

"Jack said to tie him to a rope and pull him up!"

"You helped do it!"

"Boys." His mom shook her head. "What on Earth made you think that was okay?"

Now that they were on ground level, with his mom towering over them and yelling down at them...

Ethan was screaming his head off.

"I just- Ugh, let me get your father... Jack, why don't you go home?"

 

* * *

 

 

Dinner was silent, but Dad didn't seem too mad at him, at least. Just disappointed. That was usually how it was. Wonder how Jack was doing at his house. Did his parents get mad at him? Did they even know about Ethan in the treehouse? Did Ethan's parents hate them?

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think Ethan's parents hate me and Jack?"

Dad sighed. "I doubt they hate you and Jack as people, but they probably  _really_ don't like it when you put their little boy in danger like that. He's too young to be up there."

"Okay." Mark wasn't going to tell them about the walnuts. He was in enough trouble. "Dad?"

"Yes?"

"How come squirrels bop each others' butts?"

Both his parents suddenly stopped eating, glanced at each other, and then looked back at Mark. Dad asked, "What do you mean, they bop each others' butts?"

"Like there was this one squirrel up in the tree that was bopping another one's butt with its stomach or its crotch or something. Like..." Mark stood up and made the motion himself at the table.

And both his parents erupted in laughter.

"What's so funny?"


End file.
